Conquering Grad School

The everyday insanity I encounter as a non-traditional graduate student

Its time to say goodbye. Again.

February6

So when I started this blog, I was saying goodbye to my beloved cat, Maggie, who was 17 years old at the time.  She had survived two dogs, two cats and a husband.  She was my constant companion and my heart still hurts when I think about her.  Now, I am steeling myself to say goodbye to my Jenny-dog.  She is 14 years old and spent 13 of them with me.  A rescue dog that knew she had been rescued and was extremely grateful for everything she was given, she has been my constant companion through all the health issues, the births of two babies and many nights staying awake because I was in too much pain to sleep.  Now, its my turn to comfort her.

She has slowly been declining over the past few months but things accelerated a bit last week and she is now in liver failure.  We are trying a few things to give us some time to help the kids through the process of saying goodbye to a friend who has ALWAYS been in their lives.  They have no memories that do not involve Jenny in some way, shape or form.

Last week I was diagnosed with Lupus and possibly a second autoimmune syndrome.  I showed two unknown antibodies in addition to the Lupus antibodies which means I either have something that current tests can’t identify or they are new and still developing so later we may know but for now its a huge question mark.  Jenny knew something was wrong years ago.  She could tell before I knew that something was coming and would force me into bed or hang tight to me 24/7.  She would leave me at the door  when I left the house and come running to meet me when I came home.  Its just been the last week or so that she has felt so bad she didn’t want to leave the bedroom.  Sunday, she crawled down the hall to find me because I was in the living room waiting on the cable guy.

I have had other dogs.  The dog I grew up with passed away while I was away at college.  My brother took her to the vet to have her euthanized when she became too ill to move.  During my first marriage we had a Lhasa Apso that we lent to a friend while we lived in Chicago for a few months to see if an animal friend would help their autistic child.  A neighbor poisoned him and the family took care of the burial.  This is the first dog I’ve had for this long that I have personally had to make the decision.  Am I the right person to make that decision?  I want her with me always. Can I let her go?  I certainly don’t want her to suffer.  But if she is still happy to see me, wagging her rear end and “grinning” like she does, how can I let that go?

I am currently praying with everything in my soul that she passes in her sleep.  I asked Maggie to take the decision from me and she did.  I need to ask Jenny to do the same.  Yes, I am a woman of science but I also believe that animals are sentient beings.  I challenged professors twenty-years ago and I will continue to challenge them.  What I have experienced with Maggie and Jenny can not be attributed to Pavlov’s theories.

I don’t know how long it will be before I decide to wear a piece of my heart at the end of a leash.  But I do know that I am a certified fan of Australian Shepherds and I will never own another breed.  Jenny has made sure of that.

Jenny with Rae, her human baby, in 2008.

posted under Accomodations, Australian shepherds, Caregiver, Change, childhood pain, children, chronic pain, Degenerative disc disease, depression, Disabilities, Epidural fibrosis, Explaining death to children, Explaining pain to children, faith, family, Living with disability, Lupus, medicine, Mom, scoliosis, Staying healthy with disability, Stress, Working with disabilities

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 I LOVE my life! Yes, I wish it involved less pain and I’m working toward that, but I wouldn’t change anything about my life.  I have a wonderful husband, John Michael, of who I am incredibly proud. He works away from the home as an airline Captain and is gone about 60% of the week.  When he is home, though, we get 100% of him.  Without his love and support, there is no way I could have made it though the graduate program.


I am the proud mother of three beautiful daughters. My oldest daughter, Caitlin, is a college freshman.  It has been a truly honor watching her grow into a courageous, vibrant, confident young woman who knows what she wants and is actively working to achieve.  My middle daughter, Riley, is my “brain-child” who is always curious and quick to ask questions and work through answers.  She is also a wonderful artist who is  so at home in conversation with adults, we often forget she is just 11.  My baby girl, Rae, is my little cheerleader.  She is the giver of random hugs and the one who knows just what to do to push Riley’s buttons.  Rae is my free spirit, quick to champion the underdog and always ready to have fun. 


We have one other member of the family but I can’t really introduce him with out mentioning the family member we just lost.  My sweet Jenny was my constant companion for 13 years until she was called home in early March.  She was my angel; knowing before I did when I was either coming down with a cold or nearing a flare of pain.  She would herd me into my room at night if I was still up past 830pm and would stay by my side until the kids were in bed.  Once she didn’t have the need to “protect” me, she would finally relax and sleep.  Losing her was the single most gut-wrenching event I have encountered in years.  I felt I had lost my best friend.


The depression I experienced was so deep, I didn’t want to leave the house.  I was ready to leave graduate school and stay in my room.  Finally, with the help of my counselor, I realized I needed to try and fill the huge hole her death left  in my heart.  Enter Rue.  We found Rue at the same rescue shelter where we found Jenny 12 years before.  He was this big ball of happy that immediately won my heart.  He’s a little one (not even 18 months old) but being half Aussie Shepherd (as Jenny was) and half Great Pyrenees, he is not a small pooch.  I have begun working with him so he can help me officially as a service dog.  He has filled a very deep whole without replacing my Jenny.  Totally different but yet, a comfort that is so special.


Living with Lupus/Sjogren’s Syndrome/Rheumatoid Arthritis has changed my life in so many ways.  While its great to have a diagnosis, I am still wrapping my head around having a disease that will be with me for life.  I’m making life style changes that will hopefully help me in the long run.  And despite everything, I’m almost done with graduate school and I can’t wait. 


As I transition, so will this blog.  I’m going to try and share the challenges of the changes that I’m making and give a look inside the world of biomedical research.  I have tried for a several years (since I started) to blog once a week at least and I think now, I can finally get close to that.  I hope to also pass one useful information concerning the diseases and syndromes I’m battling and hopefully with all this together, I can help make the world a better place.


So I hope you enjoy this look into the ball of chaos that is my life! Hang on, it’s quite a ride!


May 2013
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